


Hajime and Komaeda vs. Darkiplier's Right Hand Man: The Captive Underwear Prince

by Calicornia



Series: Gundam Tanaka's Underwear [2]
Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: BioShock References, F/F, M/M, pickle rick - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:41:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 15,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27341389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: After the underwear Gundam worked so hard to get is kidnapped and Souda is in the hospital with advanced Xbox live, there's only two men who can save the day.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Koizumi Mahiru/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham
Series: Gundam Tanaka's Underwear [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996528
Comments: 20
Kudos: 44





	1. Uh-Ohajime

"Yum yumjime!" Komaeda scooped out a spoonful of peas from the can of peas, "Here comes the trainjime!"

His hand approached Hajime's mouth, the rest of his body was tied up so he couldn't reject the peas. Beside him was a mini fridge full of cans of peas he was to be force fed. Their consensual pea eating snajime bondage hour was going very well.

"I love consensual pea eating snajime bondage hour!" Komaeda said as Hajime chewed his peas, "I love you, Hajime!"

"Actually, it's consensual lima bean eating snajime bondage hour." Hajime said with his mouth full of lima peas, "And you don't love me."

Komaeda shoved more lima beans into Hajime's mouth.

"Hajime, I have not cum in six weeks!"

Hajime sighed.

"You always say that, Komaeda."

"That wasn't me Hajime..." Komaeda paused movement as he reloaded his spoon, "Maybe it was a ghostjime..."

"Hajime, I have not cum in six weeks!"

Komaeda looked down at his pocket, it was his phonejime! He dropped the spoon and lima beans on the dirty kitchen floor to answer.

"Hellojime?"

"You there, pathetic horny mortal!" Gundam shouted for all to hear, "Did you snatch my crotch barrier in a cum fueled rage?"

"Nuh uh..." Komaeda ate some of the lima beans off the floor, the mystery kitchen stains adding to the flavor, "It wasn't me."

"Dang blast it!" Loud noises came from the other end of the line, "Listen to me, mortal, time is running out. If I don't get that crotch barrier back soon, I don't know what will happen!"

Komaeda scoffed.

"But it's consensual pea eating snajime bondage hour." The white haired twink licked the floor, "Can it wait?"

"No it can't wait! Souda and I are going to a- AHHHH!"

The phone suddenly went to static. Neither man made a noise as the sound echoed off the kitchen walls.

"Komaeda." Hajime said, "I can't cum while I'm thinking about Gundam's underwear. Let's go see what's up."

"Okay Hajime." Komaeda said as he untied his boyfriend.

But little did he know.

There's some Chef Boyardee in the mini fridge.


	2. Oh Nojime!

He was ass backards with a backwards ass

And entered the appartment with his key card pass.

Butthole wide, mouthe wider

"Hajime, the culprit is a hanglider!"

Komaeda shouted at the guy

And he made a run for it and began to fly

Balls so-

"Komaeda." Hajime groaned as he walked into Gundam and Souda's appartment, "Stop rapping about things that never happened."

"Sorry, Hajime." Komaeda blushed. His reserve course reverse dominatrix was right, there was no hanglider. 

"Someone must've had a baked bean burrito to pop a squat like this." Hajime said as he picked up the broken display case glass with his bare hands. He looked around, there was pepto bismol everywhere but neither Souda nor Gundam were anywhere to be found.

"AHHH!!!"

The scream made Hajime jump, turning to the source. It was Komaeda, of course. His fingers were stuck in a bowl of porridge.

"Hajime! I'm stuck!"

"No, you're not Komaeda." Hajime face palmed, "I'm not about to get porridged again on a day like this."

"Hehehe... He's right though."

Both of the men looked at the source of the voice. From the kitchen emerged none other than Family Guy.

"I need your cum!" Peter Griffin laughed, "And you wanna know why?"

"No." Hajime said.

"Mine master said that if I bring you two homosexuals to the underwater city of Bioshock in the dick cheese mountains, I'll get an artificial Lois!"

"Artificial Lois for artificial mashed potato orgies..." Komaeda mused. "Sounds so hopeful..."

"No it's not." Hajime said as he picked up a shard of broken glass, "Leave us alone, Family Guy Peter Griffin Family Guy."

"Hey Lois, remember the time I kicked Hajime Hinata's reserve course ass for threatening me with a shard of glass?"

"No Petah, I don't!"

A punch landed straight in Family Guy's abdomen, sending him flying through the walls. Hajime turned around, and Komaeda ate the porridge.

It was Lois, she had deployed her jajanken technique!

"Hajime, she deployed her jajaken technique!" Komaeda pulled his finger free of the haunted porridge, "And she makes a damn good porridge too!"

"Anythin' for an old friend." Lois winked, and vanished into thin air.

Hajime wiped his hands clean of the broken glass and pepto bismol.

"Uh. So I guess we go to the underwater city of Bioshock in the dick cheese mountains?"

"Of coursejime."


	3. Jungle-jime!

The scent of stale cum and stale ass filled the air. It was the dick cheese mountains alright. The two men stared at the six foot tall gate that blocked them from entry.

"Well, after you, Hajime..." Komaeda knelt down like a noble prince, placing his jacket over a puddle like a true romantic.

"Thanks Komaeda." Hajime said as he walked through the gate, which was 17 feet away from the puddle and in the other direction.

The pair felt funny, and I'm not talking about their balls. Where was the gate troll, Jacksepticeye?

"Hey, where's the gate troll, Jacksepticeye?" Hajime asked his twink companion. "Aren't you guys friends?"

"He's friends with Lois, not me..." Komaeda yawned, "I don't like the Irish..."

"So that's why your browser has the Irish Potato Famine's Wikipedia page open 24/7."

"You know me well-jimAAAAAH!"

"Komaeda?" 

Hajime turned around, his ultimate unlucky dominatrix was nowhere to be found. It was hard to find him in the lush, green jungle they were trapped in. Still, he ran to the source of the sound.

Vines lunged and plunged at Hajime, grabbing his legs only to be immediately cut off with his Hajime butter knife.

"Komaeda!" Hajime said as he sliced off a rather girthy vine, "Shout Hajime if you can hear me!"

"Hajime!"

Bingo. The brunette ran to his whitenette. He was exactly 600 steps to the left.

"Hajime!"

The man himself ran like the wind, mud splattering all over his pants as he dashed to him. His one true love. He saw light, then he didn't, then he saw light again.

"Hajime!"

Hajime Hinata felt a true horror as he entered the clearing. A man with pitch black eyes and green hair wearing a reaper cloak was holding a potato as if it was an apple disguised as a banana.

"Bottom of the night to me, ladies." Antisepticeye threw the potato up and down without breaking eye contact, "Care for a game of Hot Potato?"

"No." Hajime said.

"What?"

"I don't want to play Hot Potato with you."

"But the potato has your friend's soul in it!"

"He's right, Hajime!" The potato yelled as it spun in the air, "I'm a naughty, naughty little vegetable that can't even hold up a spork!"

Hajime sighed.

"Fine let's play Hot Potato."

Antisepticeye smirked, and then he stood up and didn't smirk. Then smirked again.

"Hot potato, hot potato!" He did a little boogie and summoned his Antisepticlings.

"Hot potato, hot potato..." Hajime swayed back and forth, summoning his Hajimettes.

Komaeda flew from Antisepticling to Hajimette, his stomach churning with his Komaeda fluids as he landed safely only to be thrown again. It was four and a half French minutes before he flew straight for Hajime.

The reserve course hands caressed him, Komaeda relished in the moment before being thrown again. But he stayed put

"Hajime, what are you doing?" Komaeda shouted as he was lifted upwards.

"Yeah, what are you doin!?" Antisepticeye stammered without actually stammering.

Komaeda was suddenly thrown farther than he ever thought potatoes could go, soaring over the Dick Cheese Mountains and into the side of a canyon.

"I-I-I!" Antisepticeye was actually stammering now, "WHAT?"

Hajime smirked.

"Look behind you."

The Shadow the Hedgehog looking ass turned around to see none other than Nagito Komaeda. He was pissing on a tree.

"I'm pissing on a tree, Hajime."

"You were supposed to figure out that it was a ruse on your own!" Antisepticeye pouted and pulled out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4. "Whatever, he told me to show you this if you got it."

Hajime's eyes widened as he saw the video on the Samsung Galaxy Note 4. It was Gundam and Souda in the same hospital bed, fishes swam around them dressed as medical staff.

"HELP!" Souda shouted, "We're trapped in the Underwater City of Bioshock's Anti-Hospital where they make you sicker and charge you 1,000,000 dollars a second!"


	4. Down the Yellow Brick Road-Jime

"Sounds like a normal hospital to me..." Komaeda stretched his calves.

"No, hospitals don't make you sicker." Hajime said.

"WELL, THIS ONE DOES!" Souda shouted.

"Holy shitjime!" Komaeda farted, "He can hear us!"

"Yes." Antisepticeye chimed in, "We have great service for video chat services in these mountains."

"GUYS, YOU SERIOUSLY GOTTA GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Souda coughed, "YOU GOTTA FIND HER!"

"Sonia?" Hajime asked.

"NO! THE HUNTRESS OF THE DICK CHEESE MOUNTAINS, T-"

The video shut off.

"Thr video shut off, Hajime." 

"I know, Komaeda." He looked at Antisepticeye, "What gives?"

Antisepticeye chuckled.

"This trial would be invalid if you got assistance from those who've completed it once before."

The greenette vanished, and all that was left was the brunette and the whitenette.

* * *

"Isn't it great Hajime? Just you and me... On this yellow submarine to the Underwater City of Bioshock?"

"No." Hajime stated, "Also, this is a can ew and I'm the only one rowing."

Lo and behold, he was right. The rickety boat rowed down the the yellow brick road, which was below the yellow brick river. The yellow brick sky was clear, not a cloud in sight.

"It's a metaphor, Hajime." Komaeda yawned and kicked back, "A metaphorjime, if you will."

"Whatever." Hajime turned the boat. He wondered if it was a real boat. It almost seemed too convenient for it to be just laying in the jungle all sexy like next to a running stream. The reserve course canoe rower looked at his watch. If they didn't get to the Underwater City of Bioshock soon, his Neopets would go hungry again. It was time to knock things into twelfth gear.

Hajime's eyes glowed bright red, and his hair grew 20 inches. Ropes of dark black hair filled the boat, causing Komaeda to rise from his laying position. His beautiful, Hajime features faded, and all that was left was a stone cold son of a bitch.

Izuru Kamakura had taken the reigns. His arms propelled like they were fans, pushing the boat ten times faster than normal. Komaeda grabbed onto the edge of his seat, his white hair flowing in the wind and blasting hundreds of dandruff particles into the open air.

"Sorry, Komaeda." Izuru said as he popped a wheelie. He looked behind him and saw it. The waterfall. Perfect. "Grab onto your Hajimes."

"I wish Hajime was here..." Komaeda's grip tightened on the boat, "I only have my own balls to grab onto now..."

"Grab my balls instead." Izuru prepared his special move, "They'll be Hajime's soon enough."

And Komaeda did just that. He smiled like a maniac as his left hand jut straight into the crotch of Izuru Kamakura. His fingers dug into the fabric, and adrenaline pumped through his body as he felt two hard lumps in his hands. They were literally as hard as a diamond, leaving Komaeda guilt free as he gripped as tightly as possible.

"Let's fucking GOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Izuru shouted as he flipped the boat over the waterfall, liquid splashing all around and I'm not just talking about that H2O. Komaeda's body flew out of place, but he was tightly secured by the force of gravity contained in Izuru's balls. He smiled, came, and then smiled again. It was time to landjime. He flipped the boat once more, so they were facing the sky, and waited for nature to take its course.

*SPLASH*

"OW!" Hajime screamed, but not from the impact. The pair had landed in a small, calm lake. Around them were huge mountains, but that was a given. It's the fucking Dick Cheese Mountains.

"Komaeda, let go of my balls." Hajime ripped his boyfriend's hand off his crotch. "Where are we?"

"I don't know..." Komeada looked around, "I've never been to this part of the Dick Cheese Mountains before."

"Let's go to the shore so we can think about i-"

"HAJIME!"

Hajime had suddenly been flung from the boat. Waves began to form, and the boat began to rock. Komaeda gripped hard onto the boat, frantically looking around for Hajime. His answer would come in the worst way possible when a pillar of water appeared before him, his boyfriend pinned to it with shackles made from water. He was completely out cold, but Komaeda had Hajime senses.

"Up here."

Komaeda looked up even further, and then he saw it. Hajime's captor. A woman with blue skin, in a blue dress, with blue hair.

"I am Lapis Lazuli, bouncer to the Underwater City of Bioshock." The woman said, "What is your business here?"


	5. 😫-jime

Komaeda looked up at the blue woman, her wings of water flapping like the wings of a bird. She was nothing like an airplane, and that pissed him off.

"Give me back my Hajime..." Komaeda's eyebrows narrowed, and his lips twitched as he attempted to keep on his smile, "HISSSSSSSSS! HISSSSSSSSSS!" The whitenette shook, water splashing all around him.

"You don't scare me." Lapis bluntly stated, she hovered downwards to get a closer look at Komaeda, "Tell me your business here, and you'll get your friend back, okay?"

"I-I..." Komaeda's eyes rolled back into his head and he foamed at the mouth, "NEED MY HAJIME!" 

Lapis lunged backwards, her wings flapping more frantically than before.

Komaeda's face went crazy, his eyes now swirly and his mouth a sick grin. He chuckled as he reached into his pocket.

"Whatever you have, it can't hurt me!" Lapis shouted, sweat dripping from her head, "Just tell me why you're here, Gemsus Christ!"

"GIVE ME MY HAJIMEEEEEE!"

*SPLASH*

"AHHH!"

Lapis suddenly lurched downwards, sudden pain had come to her right wing. She flew at an angle as she turned her head and saw that the water in her wing was... Purple.

"Y-you dirty bastard!" Lapis held a water dagger to Hajime's throat, "How could you!?"

A rumbling in the distance of the Dick Cheese mountains. Something was coming.

"You should've given me my Hajime when you had the chance!" Komaeda licked the grape Kool-Aid off his fingers.

"FINE!" Lapis released the water shackles, "Take your damn Hajime!"

The rumbling got stronger as Hajime fell into the saltwater lake.

"HAJIME!" Komaeda rowed the boat towards his boyfriend, ignoring the sounds of Lapis fleeing in the distance.

The water began to shake like it was a thick jello, or better yet, Komaeda's fat squishy ass now on DVD.

"I got youjime!"

Komaeda's hands had almost grabbed Hajime when it happened. The thing I'm about to write.

"OH YEAH!"

Water splashed in Komaeda's face and when his eyes opened once more, Hajime was gone. He frantically looked around for him, only to see a bright red glass of juice carrying him bridal style.

The Kool-Aid man smirked as he turned around, still walking on water. His red Kool-Aid flew out of his container and tainted the water behind him.

"OH YEAH!"

Komaeda's eyes watered, but not with Kool-Aid. His arms wrapped around his body and he slunk backwards. His Hajime... Had been Hajimenapped.


	6. Prisoner of Aska-jime

Komaeda pulled on his hair, how could the Kool-Aid Man do this to him, especially after the bite of '87? His teeth ground against each other as his thoughts rapidly stampeded through the Savannah of his mind. His Hajime thoughts were zebras, and the Kool-Aid man was a lion. Just like Madagascar, and you know what else is like Madagascar...

"Seriously guy, what's up with you?" Lapis yelled as she hovered a safe distance away from Komaeda. "I'm just doing my job!"

The ultimate unlucky student was tuning out the world though, and he didn't hear the yells of the gem woman. He didn't think about anything at all except getting his Hajime back.

"Hey Lois..." Komaeda whispered. "Remember the time I activated zebra lion rage mode to chase the Kool-Aid Man down and save Hajime?"

"What?"

"HAJIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Komaeda screeched as his hands became hooves, and his hair became striped. He neighed in pain as his feet became hooves too. But then his hooves immediately shifted into paws, then into hooves again. His hands rapidly cycled between paws and hooves, but his feet rapidly cycled between hooves and paws. His hair was a mane of striped zebra whatever the fuck.

"Oh give me a break!" Lapis shouted as she shot out a chain of water that clasped around Komaeda's neck. "C'mon, I'm taking you to the big house."

"HA-HA-HAJIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Komaeda lunged, and began to run on the water, his Komaeda fangs barred. The chain extended as he dashed, slowly becoming straighter unlike him. Water splashed around him, and so did fish.

The Kool-Aid Man was going down.

"Run all you want, you're still going into the slamm-ARRGH!"

Lapis was being pulled along like a kite, except the wind was Komaeda's desire to be close to Hajime. She puffed out her wings like a parachute to try and slow the horny Komaeda down, but it was no use.

He was going to get to his Hajime one way or another.

* * *

Hajime Hinata woke up in a different type of chains. He was in some dingy, musty, presumably underwater room with three walls and some bars separating him from a dark hallway. There was two toilets on one wall, and a bed in the center of the room.

"What the fuck?" Hajime looked at the toy handcuffs he was wearing. It didn't even take Kamakura to break out of them and be free once more. The reserve course prisoner walked up to the bars and looked around. Yep, this was a jail.

His hair grew long and his eyes turned red, Kamakura had taken the reigns once more. He spread the bar like it was a fat ass and he was about to have a meal. The long haired man stepped out and stretched. It was time to Hajime.

"Thanks Kamakura." Hajime walked to what he assumed was the entrance. What a dumb jail, no security at all!

He walked past the guards, who were fast asleep, and out the door.

Wrong move, Hajime.

You just walked into a divorce trial.


	7. Divorce-jime

In the middle of the divorce court was a lemur with a mean demeanor. He sat with a gavel poised to slap that ass down and get stuck in the divorce court.

On one side, a lion. He was in chains. On another side, a zebra. Also in chains. On the walls, red haired anime girls with angel wings in chains and crying were painted in a variety of styles. Hajime recognized his own art style from when he was a 14 year old on Deviantart, they totally ripped him off!

The gavel swung down.

"If anyone objects to this forced divorce, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"That is NOT crackalackin'!" The zebra pulled against his chains, "Alex ain't even got Xbox Live! We ain't eligible for a divorce!"

"Yeah!" Alex pulled against his chains, which were being held by red haired anime girls with angel wings, "I demand a recount!"

The lemur smirked, and adjusted his headdress.

"Does the jury have any objections?"

Hajime looked over, and saw an unsightly sight. Everyone in the jury was held captive by red haired anime girls with angel wings. They were being manipulated, this was a kangaroo court!

"This is a kangaroo court!" Hajime shouted. Everyone in the room turned to look at the man who's never been invited to a birthday party.

"Actually, you will find that I am indeed a lemur." The judge stood on his podium, "The king lemur, Julien."

"And you'll find that forcing a divorce between a lion and a zebra is against the Dick Cheese Mountains's Constitution."

"Pfft." King Julien laughed, "We don't follow that here, this is the Underwater City of Bioshock! Gaurds, take this ruffian out!"

Red haired anime girls in chains descended from the sky. All of them were crying. They approached Hajime from all angles.

"Woah... Take it easy..." Hajime backed up, his back hitting something hard and glass. He turned around and saw none other than the Kool-Aid Man. Against his better judgement, Hajime turned to the horde of anime girls.

"Can't we just settle this over a pint?" He pointed at the Kool-Aid man.

"Hmmmmmm... No!" King Julien shouted, and Hajime took that as a green light on the street to FuckMeInTheAss blvd.

His hair grew forty inches as he punched straight through the Kool-Aid man's body, shattering him and splashing a wave of red liquid all over his white shirt. He struck a pose, focusing his chakras, and waterbended the Kool-Aid straight through the chains, breaking all 4,096 sets of them.

"Wrong move, King Julien." Kamakura bluntly stated as he spun a vortex of Kool-Aid around.

The lemur king tried to run, but there was nowhere to hide, his red haired anime girls were all swallowed by the vortex of red. He shook behind his podium, waiting for the blast of cold punch that was inevitably going to hit him.

* * *

"Oh Hajime..." Komaeda mumbled as he woke up, "How long was I outjime?"

He stretched his arms and yawned, no longer in zebra lion rage mode. He cracked his back, ass, and then ass again as he always does when he wakes up. The whitenette looked around and saw that he was in a suburban neighborhood, full of similar looking houses and a cell-shaded art style.

"Where am I-jime?" Komaeda got up to walk, but was quickly brought down by a pull that was weighted on his neck. After slamming into the ground, he turned to see the source of the pull.

A passed out Lapis Lazuli was still gripping onto his neck chain for dear life.


	8. Fat Komaeda Ass (Money Ass Remix ft. Lapis Lazuli)

I got my favorite pair of undies on right now.

My fat Komaeda ass restrained by its fibers.

Lapis Lazuli awoke on the kitchen counter inside of an cartoon house, Komaeda pouring something in her wing. The unlucky man's hands were swatted away with a bitchslap his next cumshot would feel.

"Stay away from my wing, weirdo!" Lapis kicked Komaeda right in the Nagitos, her bare feet against his balls reminded him of something important.

"Ow, I didn't know it was bitchslap o'clock!" Komaeda's fresh cumshot exclaimed, "Wait... Why did we come out when Hajime isn't here?"

Komaeda pulled the band to his boxers and looked directly at his dick.

"Her bare feet against my balls made me think of Hajime." The man explained, "It's not cheating because this is a woman, I'm gay, and she's not Hajime."

"Sure it is." The cumshot rolled its eyes, "I can't wait to tell Hajime all about your homophobia!"

Komaeda began to laugh maniacally.

"You wouldn't fucking dare-jime!"

Suddenly Komaeda.

Suddenly Komaeda was wrapped up in a swirling vortex of water, his whole body restrained except for his head.

"Stop talking to your dick and tell me where I am." Lapis Lazuli said as she twirled her fingers, tightening her grip on Komaeda.

"This is Quahog... I think..." Komaeda smirked, his cumshot couldn't say shit now that Lapis had drowned it.

"Quahog? Shit..." Lapis dropped Komaeda as her hands clapsed around her mouth, "I... I gotta get outta here."

"Well you can now." Komaeda pointed at her wing. "I filled it with blue Kool-Aid so you could fly again."

"You..." Lapis's eyes narrowed as she became angrier, "Put fresh Kool-Aid inside of me!?"

"Yeah?" Komaeda frowned, "Isn't that what friends do?"

"NO! YOU IDIOT! I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND!" Lapis jumped in an attempt to fly, but slammed onto the ground, "He could be coming any minute now, and it's all your fault!"

"I could be cumming any minute too!" Komaeda laughed. But this was no laughing matter. The walls peeled back as a fat brunette man crawled into the kitchen.

"Hey Lois..." Peter Griffin said as he slithered towards the two homosexuals, "Remeber the time I banished you and the traitor to the Vagina Yeast Canyon for all of eternity?"

"Nice try, Peter!" Komaeda's eyes went swirly and he cackled, "But even I, a pathetic average butthole licker, know that you can't harness the power of Lois if she's not even here! Unless you're me, of course! Wielder of the Chaos Lois!"

The walls started to become like pussy walls, and the pussy walls became a canyon. Komaeda had just been BTFO. Peter Griffin's gaze was a sick, twisted grin that spread from ear to ear. The whitenette felt his dick shrink as he was surrounded by the stink of pussy yeast.

"Enjoy your stay in the sexless Coochie Dungeon, Naigto Traitormaeda."

"No Peter, I don't."

Suddenly Komaeda.

Suddenly, the canyon had disappeared, and the trio was back in Quahog. The trio of Komaeda, Lapis and his unconcious cumshot because Peter was nowhere to be found. Komaeda looked for the source of the voice, his eyes landing on...

Lapis Lazuli?


	9. Shit Hits The Fan-Jime

Komaeda stared in awe, someone who wasn't Lois was manipulating the power of Hey Lois, a crime that was normally punishable by instant divorce. The bluenette walked slowly past Komaeda, approaching the door to the cartoon house.

"Just so you know, the Chaos Lois doesn't work around these parts anymore." Lapis's blue hand touched the doorknob, "Don't get so cocky like that next time. And stay away from my lake."

"Wait a minute..." Komaeda crossed his arms, "You're just going to leave without paying me back?"

"Paying you back?" Lapis's eyelids sunk downwards and her mouth became a line, "I just saved you from... Him... And this was after you ruined my wing! Twice! If anything, it's YOU that owes ME!"

"Nuh-uh." Komaeda shook his head and crossed his arms, "It's your fault-jime that Hajime was Hajimenapped by the Kool-Aid Man!"

"YOU summoned the Kool-Aid man!"

The water appliances in the cartoon house began to shake, but Komaeda wasn't phased.

"Only because you kidnapped Hajime."

"Because you wouldn't tell me why you're here!"

Water started leaking from every appliance, faucet, and floorboard. But Komaeda didn't care. He just drank the water as it came towards him. Tasty snack for everyone! Water is healthy!

"Because you kidnapped Hajime." Komaeda pouted, "But I can tell you why we're here now that you've saved me, but only if you promise to help our quest."

"Our quest?" Lapis sighed and slapped her forehead, "Vaginadick isn't for another few months. And Markiplier isn't giving out Cloak brand underwear between Vaginadick tournaments anymore. Go home, weirdo."

"Hajime and I embarked on a much more noble quest." Komaeda cracked his knuckles, ass and dick. "We're here to save our friends from the clutches of Darkiplier, the ruler of the Underwater City of Bioshock."

The room was so quiet, you could shit a brick. But nobody was shitting in a situation this serious. Lapis looked at the floor, her eyebrows still furrowed but her face less tense.

"There's something you need to know."

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda screamed, the Anti-Hospital was injecting him with cheez-it allergens. He writhed in pain as another billion dollars was added to his medical bill, his non-existent health insurance could never pay it off!

"JUST GRAB MY HAND, MORTAL!" Gundam stretched his fingers as far as he could, but the chains strapping him to the hospital bed prevented him from touching his boyfriend. It was painful, but not as painful as the medical bill they were receiving. Gundam wept tears of blood, the fish tended to the eye blood and charged him a hefty bill of nine million dollars. "THOSE TEARS OF BLOOD ARE NATURAL, YOU FOOLS!" Gundam writhed in his bondage, how he yearned to be free of this Hell. He looked at Souda, who was still furiously screaming and writhing. If only they had their underwear, that precious pair of underwear. The chains bumped up and down as Souda did the worm.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda's throat began to hurt, and he looked into the hallway. More fucking fish were coming to tend to his wounds. He kept his mouth shut. Souda Kazuichi would never let a fish operate on his throat. But they wouldn't let up, attempting to pry open his mouth for yet another unnecessary dose of medication. He shook with a fury unknown to any man, woman, or chef. In the corner of his eye, he saw a red haired figure dash down the hallway, holding a glowing green gem.

And for no reason at all, the words came out.

"HEY LOIS!" Souda shouted with all his might, "REMEMBER THE TIME I BUST OUT OF THE ANTI-HOSPITAL IN THE UNDERWATER CITY OF BIOSHOCK WITH MY BOYFRIEND GUNDAM TANAKA!"

Suddenly, the chains holding Souda's arms together snapped, and he was left with some badass looking shackles. He slammed the shackles down into his foot shackles, snapping them too. He turned to his boyfriend, eyes glowing with rage. The pinknette's metal shackles slammed against Gundam's chains, snapping them.

"YES, SOUDA!" Gundam cheered in joy as his body was free once more, "HARNESS THE POWER OF THE DARKNESS FLAME AND FREE YOUR SUPREME BOYFRIEND OF ICE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda screamed and pointed at the fish nurses, "GUNDAM WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"

The fish nurses were all holding miniature torches and pitchforks, it was time to Hajime.

Gundam scooped Souda up into his arms and ran down the halls. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew where he'd been. The animal breeder slid under the closing garage door and into another hallway, one that was lined with anime girls in hospital beds with different colors of bright hair. But there was no time to question that, he parkoured around them, still carrying Souda. A green light was approaching, was it the outside world?

"GRAB ONTO YOUR NUTS, MORTAL!" Gundam sped up, "WE'RE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT THE HELP OF THOSE WORTHLESS VIRGINS!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda foamed at the mouth, he could feel the bile rising up from his stomach as Gundam did flips, dashes, and went down the swirly hospital slide and into the green light. Both men fell on their asses, disorienting them in both sight and touch.

"Ahhh..." Souda straightened his back and sat up, "What the hell was that!?"

"You should be used to my prowess by now, mechanical gremlin." Gundam hmped and quickly returned to a standing position.

"I am!" Souda stood too, "You're just normally so much better at parkour!"

"It's this insipid garment they've forced us to wear!" Gundam tore off his hospital gown, revealing his little Gundams, "MUCH BETTER!"

Souda sighed and looked around. They weren't outside, no, this was a metal room. A cold one at that. His eyes darted back to Gundam, who was now shivering.

"What circle of Hell do you suppose this is?" Gundam aided his boyfriend's search in finding out where they were. The room was dark, except for the glowing green light in the distance.

"Ugh." Souda kicked the ground, because there was nothing else to kick, "We're probably still in the fucking anti-hospital!"

"Yes, precisely..." Gundam looked up, going back up the slide wasn't an option. "Souda, let's approach that verdant energy mass and see if we can harness it!"

"What?"

"Let's go towards the green light."

Green light. Souda thought. Just like the green lights on stoplights, the ones that gave him an uncontrollable urge to jaywalk. Wait, no! He didn't want to do that! His Xbox Live was getting treated, and he hadn't jaywalked in months! He tried to get his mind off of it, the room illuminating with more and more green as they approached whatever else was in the room with the pair of homosexuals. Soon, the whole room was a glowing, radioactive green.

"Oh my shirtless My Chemical Romance..." Gundam stopped in his tracks, eyes wide with a fear that was unnatural for the animal breeder.

"What the hell are you talking about!?" Souda complained, "It's just a bunch of green!"

"Look up!"

And Souda did, his eyes wide too and his mouth agape. It wasn't long before he realized what he was looking at, a giant, naked gem woman in chains. Nailed to a cross with her messy, bob haircut obscuring her face. She glowed green, illuminating the massive hospital basement.

* * *

Lapis looked at her hands, her eyes watering with an unnatural amount even for her. But still, she found it in her to look Komaeda directly in the eye. Her mouth opened, but just barely.

"Peter Griffin has imprisoned the Master Lois in the Anti-Hospital Basement."


	10. It's Time to Hajime

Hajime woke up naked, but that was last week. This week, he woke up fully clothed in an abandoned divorce court full of glass shards, chains, and Kool-Aid.

"Wow." Hajime said, looking away from the carnage, "Must've been a real crazy shindig."

"Shindig? If that's a shindig, I don't ever want to go to a rodeo with you!"

Hajime turned around to see a zebra tending to a lion's wounds. The ones he saved from a forced divorce. Marty and Alex.

"I'm not into rodeos." Hajime brushed broken glass off his handjimes, "I hate that yeehaw shit."

"Damn." Marty wrapped another bandage around Alex's arm, "Well, either way my Afro Circus is off limits to a lunatic like you."

Hajime shrugged, just like Atlas. He only liked circus shit when it made him cum anyways.

"So, where is this?"

"It's a divorce court- OW!" Alex had finally opened his mouth, only to have it shut again as Marty applied disinfectant to his leg.

"I know that." Hajime sighed and crossed his arms, "But is this in the Underwater City of Bioshock or not?"

Marty laughed.

"Hell no!" The zebra snorted, "This is The Underwater City of Madagascar!"

Hajime sighed once more.

"And how far is it from Bioshock."

"About two and a half minutes." Marty stood on his four zebra legs, "That is, if you go through the pipes..."

Hajime raised an eyebrow.

"Pipes?"

* * *

"Wow, really?" Komaeda asked as he rummaged through Peter's fridge. A can of Chef Boyardee, nice.

"Yeah and he's..." Lapis sat on the ground in fetal position, not looking at anything. "He's constantly giving her 'hey Lois' commands through a microchip in her brain."

Komaeda cooked the Chef Boyardee, still in the can, on the stove. He felt an emotion that wasn't horniness for the first time in awhile. He took pity on the Master Lois.

"What's he asking her to do?" Komaeda emptied the contents of Chef Boyardee into his pockets, a snack for later.

"I dunno, and that's the scary part." Lapis continued staring at nothing, "But I know she's resisting. Otherwise, Peter Griffin would be an unstoppable God."

Unlike the Master Lois, Komaeda couldn't resist. He took his fresh Chef Boyardee out from his pockets and started chowing down.

Lapis looked at Komaeda, her eyes only half open and her mouth a thin line.

"Hey, let"s make a deal."

"Mmfh?" Komaeda mumbled as he scarfed down the whole motherload of Chef Boyardee.

"If you help me save the Master Lois, I'll help save your friends."

Komaeda gulped down the ravioli, a smile on his face.

"Deal-jime!"


	11. The Snajime

HAJIME

Hajime's mouth went agape as he saw it, the pipe that is. The long, green tube stood before him like it was the world's largest fleshlight, and he was the penis of the loneliest virgin on Earth. The zebra and lion in front of him both giving their best Dreamwork's face.

"I might piss the bed just because I don't want to get up to piss, but I want you too have this." Marty clopped towards Hajime, a key in his hoof.

Hajime held it in his hand, and then between his toes for good measure, and then in his hand again. It suddenly became as long as a blade. A keyblade, if you will.

"That's the Keyblade of Not Cumming for Six Weeks." Alex winked, and then he didn't wink, "If you run into any chained up angel anime girls, please undo their shackles and free them.

"Those poor girls, man." Marty shook his head, "Probably never been to the afro circus!"

The trio laughed, classic banter. Marty then made the Dreamwork's face once more.

"And remember. Hold this face the entire time, otherwise you may or may not end up in the right place!"

Hajime bid them farwell, and then walked towards the pipe. He took a deep breath, then exhaled. He took a deep breath, then exhaled. He took a deep breath, then exhaled.

* * *

Anasui

* * *

"Wowjime... My cumjime is just flying out!"

"I don't need to know."

Lapis held Komaeda's wrists as they flew through the sky, his nut flowing freely. He was doing this in hopes that Hajime would smell his cum and track him down in zebra lion rage mode. Because that's what he would do.

"We're almost there, so pull up your pants the second we land." Lapis dryly stated as they lowered into the dirt. Still in the Dick Cheese Mountains, but nowhere near the lake or any other place Souda and Gundam went on their adventure.

"Where exactly is this?" Komaeda shimmied his fat ass back into his pants, "It smells like mashed potatoes..."

"It's the site of the first Mashed Potato Orgy." Lapis drew a summoning circle, "Burning Man: Family Guy Edition."

"Oh yeah!" Komaeda looked around, "I remember this place... It's where we burnt the effigy of Lois Griffin! Do you remember, Lapi-"

"Don't." Lapis said as she finished her summoning circle and took a deep breath, "HOLY CRAP, LOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!"

The ground quaked, the cake baked, and most importantly, Jotaro's ass shaked. Everything turned bright green, then everything was Lois colored. And then it arose from what Komaeda could only assume was from the depths of hell.

The Lois Griffin Keyblade.


	12. Unknown from Hajime

Gundam and Souda stared in awe as the Master Lois focused all her attention on deflecting the brainwashing from Peter Griffin. Her hands pushed against the nails, an attempt to free herself from the anti-hospital's basement. Her eyes gazed down at the couple beneath her, and her chapped lips parted (not her pussy ones, her mouth ones).

"Sweetie... Be a dear... And take these poor bastards to safety." The Master Lois winced, and then she was fighting once more.

"Who is this being of sweetness you are referring to!?" Gundam shouted, pleaded even, "What in tarnation is going on here!?"

The sound of footsteps came from behind, then from all directions. A red haired figure holding a bright green gem approached the Master Lois. It was a freckled woman wearing a dress with a camera slung around her neck.

It was Mahiru.

"Mahiru!?!" Souda yelled in shock, "Oh god, I'm gonna need to watch some SJW owned cringe compilations to cope once I get home!"

"You fool!" Gundam yelled, "I commanded that you cease consuming that low rank entertainment made by overglorified court jesters in the court of cringeworthiness!"

"I know! But I need my fix sometimes, okay?"

Suddenly, a finger was wagging. And it wasn't a metaphor for a penis or anything you pervert.

I'm tired, gonna finish this chapter later after I sleep.

That was a good nap.

"Now now, you two stop fighting!" Mahiru physically disapproved of the two men's strife, "Lest I have to castrate you in the name of the Master Lois."

Both men shut up, their hotdogs eating their way out of the hotdog salesman whorehouse.

Mahiru was pleased, the coochie was not defiled.

"Alrighty you two, let's go somewhere safer to discuss this."

The rednette pulled out her green chaos emerald, and gestured for her friends to touch it. In an instant, they were gone.

Only two minutes had passed, but Kamakura's Dreamwork's face was putting a strain on his muscles. His teeth clenched, his one eyebrow raised, all while carrying the cargo of the Keyblade of Not Cumming For Six Weeks. Just as he saw the lights of the Underwater City of Bioshock, he did something unforgivable.

He sneezed.

Kamakura instantly turned back into Hajime, rocketing him backwards. He slid upwards through the pipes, rejecting his entry into the Underwater City of Bioshock like the poop fuck cum shit dick.

Hajime burst out the top of the pipe on a geyser, keyblade tightly gripped between his arms as if it were Komaeda. He tumbled into the dirt, rolling around and bruising his reserve course skin. When he finally stopped tumbling, the man got on his knees and came.

"FUCK!" Hajime coughed up water, and the dirt. Bruises stained his fist as he pounded it into the ground. "HOW AM I GONNA MAKE KOMAEDA CUM NOW?"

"It's far easier than you would think."

Hajime jolted up and looked around, his head cocking from side to side in a frantic search. That voice was just... Too familiar. 

"Look down."

And he did. An audible gasp had escaped Hajime's mouth when he saw it.

Two toasters. One with a scrunchie that held a blond ponytail, and one with an ahoge. It was... It was...

"I'm Toaster Nevermind." The blond toaster said, "And this is my boyfriend, Toaster Hinata."


	13. It's the Hajime

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Souda foamed at the mouth as Mahiru chaos controlled the three of them through time. They were travelling at the speed of fuck, images of sex flashing into all of their retinas. He gripped Gundam's mystery appendage and clenched his whole body.

"Oh my shirtless My Chemical Romance!" Gundam blushed as an image of him and Souda doing their signature 'sex cucumber'. "That is me and my coitus soulmate engaging in the sex cucumber!"

"I see nothing." Mahiru gloated, "I'm waiting for marriage."

Gundam rolled his eyes.

"As if any other being besides the twin-tailed demoness would ever even consider that!"

"Actually, I'm dating another Lois."

"Another what?"

The chaos control came to a halt, and so did the people using it. The three of them had been transported to some sort of urban ghost town. Not a single person was outside among the hundreds of buildings. While Souda puked his guts out, Gundam played I Spy.

"I spy a ramshackle establishment intended for the sale and/or distribution of arachis hypogaea!"

His finger pointed straight at the shack 2 feet away from where he was standing and triumphantly came his pants. 

"Close, but no cigar." Mahiru slid the chaos emerald back into her pouch for safekeeping. "This isn't the Nutshack, it's the nutless branch of the Nutshack."

"Oh god!" Souda regained his balance and leaned on Gundam, "She's taking us to get our dicks cut off!"

"Foolish mortal!" Gundam cupped Souda's face between his hands, "I would not let a social justice warrior such as Mahiru ever lay a finger on your ballsack!"

"We don't do that actually." Mahiru chimed in, "We just put a feminist Pickle Rick up your ass if you want to join."

"WHAAAT WAS THAT I HEAR? SOMEONE NEED A FEMINIST PICKLE RICK?"

The door to the shack swung open. A man who towered over the trio walked out in a black wife beater with slicked back salt and pepper hair. His sunglasses and chain gleamed in the sunlight, and so did the feminist Pickle Rick in his hand.

Mahiru smirked.

"Wassup Tito Dick Dick Man Baby?"

* * *

"So, lemme get this straight..." Hajime sat below a tree with two toasters at his side. The poptarts and milk they provided him were neatly set to the left like everything he owned in that box. He sat ontop of his keyblade so nobody would take it. "You're trying to hunt down Peter Griffin to save the Master Lois."

"Of course." Toaster Nevermind stated, popping out another tart, "She saved me and Toaster Hinata's lives. I am forever in her debt."

"And I care why?" Hajime sipped his milk.

"Because if Peter Griffin successfully brainwashes the Master Lois, he and Blankgameplays will control the universe as we know it."

"And..?" Hajime bit into a poptart.

Toaster Nevermind made direct eye contact with Hajime.

"Blankgameplays wants 10,000 years of Darkiplier. Which means no underwear for anyone."


	14. Cooch-Jime

"The Lois Griffin keyblade..." Komaeda rubbed the side of the weapon, "The only keyblade in France..."

It was lighter than it looked, raising easily in Komaeda's anemic grip. The key part of the blade was Lois Griffin's face, and the handle was a nice teal. Komaeda smiled, remembering how many times her dick sucking skills saved his life.

"But wait..." Komaeda turned to Lapis, who was still recovering from the ritual, "Why do we need this again..?"

"The Master Lois's chains can't be broken by normal means." Lapis brushed the dirt off her dress and stretched, "Only a keyblade wielder will be able to free her."

"Wouldn't it be better to get the Ultimate Keyblade Wielder to help us?" Komaeda stated.

"There is no Ultimate Keyblade Wielder."

"Then who's that?"

Lapis's eyes followed Komaeda's finger and her gaze landed on a blue man with a white mustache. Both of his massive ears were stretched by piercings. Above his kilt was a shirt that said 'ultimate keyblade wielder'. He flipped his black and red striped emo bangs and scoffed.

"I think you would find that that keyblade belongs to me." The man approached, raising his eyebrows as he did.

*SPLASH*

Lapis had ensared the man in vortex, water constricting him like uhhh something that constricts. Her gaze was furious, pissed off even. She held her arms out, as if she was shielding Komaeda from the stranger.

"You aren't gonna fool me that easily, Mung Daal-rkiplier."

"Tch." Mung spit out a mystery purple powder into his liquid prison, "GET FUCKED!"

"SHIT!" Lapis retracted her wings, the mark of Kool-Aid now implanted on her once again, "Komaeda, get out of here and take the keyblade with you!"

Komaeda had started running. To be honest he didn't really care about Lapis or the Master Lois. It wasn't until he saw a purple, shiny glass of juice approaching over the horizon did he give a fuck.

It was the Purple Kool-Aid man.

The one who had stolen his Hajime.

"Oh. Yeah." The Kool-Aid Man was walking slowly this time, as if he had unfinished business with Lapis and/or Komaeda. Probably only Lapis because she's a traitor, but Komaeda wasn't going to let this not be about him.

Komaeda hoisted his keyblade in front of him, in fighting position. He was on the verge of slipping into zebra lion rage mode when the words slid out of his mouth.

"Where is Hajime?" Komaeda asked in a weirdly serious tone.

The Kool-Aid Man smirked.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

* * *

"Awright we got the first, second, and third wave varieties, the 'sex positive' variety, the-"

"FOR THE LAST TIME! I DON'T WANT A FEMINIST PICKLE RICK SHOVED UP MY ASS!"

Souda took a sip of non alcoholic slushie to soothe his throat from the strain of telling Tito Dick to fuck off. The poor mechanic, all alone at a table with this motherfucker. He could only pray Gundam would be done shitting and come back to give him some company in the seedy bar that is the Nut Free Nutshack.

"I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY EXORCISED THE GRIME DEMON FROM MY IMMORTAL BODY, SEALING HIM IN A PORCELIN CAGE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!"

Speak of the devil. Gundam pulled into the seat next to Souda, taking a massive swig of his alcoholic slushie. He kissed his boyfriend's cheek before turning towards the feminist Pickle Rick salesman.

"Tell me mortal, what are the benefits of shoving a feminist Pickle Rick in your ass?"

"Gundam, don't encourage him!"

"I need to know the benefits!"

"He's right, Gundam." Mahiru pulled up to the table with some potato chips and spicy hot wings, "Now's not the time to be talking about shoving feminist Pickle Ricks up your asses."

"There's never a time for that." Souda finished off his slushie, "Trust me."

"Okay but now's really not the time." Mahiru sighed, "We need to figure out what you two are gonna do now that you've seen the Master Lois."

"Oh?" Gundam's eyebrow raised. He actually doesn't have any but pretend that he doesn't. "What do you mean by that?"

Mahiru took a potato chip, and ate it.

"Now that you've seen the Master Lois in her current condition, Peter Griffin isn't gonna let you leave the Dick Cheese Moutains for the rest of eternity."


	15. Not Hajime

In a faraway divorce court floating above the Underwater City of Bioshock were thrones of lies and frauds. The one of lies slept the hypnotized body of Markiplier Faziplier, the Vegan God of Courage. I think. The one of frauds sat a younger man, but still a man. He wore all black, a suit and tie perfect for a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant. His legs were crossed, his head resting against his left hand. The pitch black eyes of Blankgameplays bore into the bowing figure before him.

"Mine master... I won't let it happen again." Family Guy said, holding the broken shard of the red Kool-Aid man.

"Do you know what the red Kool-Aid man meant to me, Peter?" Blankgameplays descended, approaching the glass case that held Gundam's stolen underwear. "He was my godfather."

Peter gulped, sweat dripped down his forehead. It didn't help that he had Sweet Escape stuck in his head.

"You see, Peter." Blankgameplays walked towards the kneeling man and pressed his hand against Peter's shoulder, "Keeping the Master Lois in the Anti-Hospital basement was your idea. And deploying the Kool-Aid men as her body guards was also your idea."

Peter shook as Blank's grip on his shoulder tightened, his eyes watered as he stared into the onyx gates of his master's soul.

"At this point, I don't trust your word."

* * *

"I'll ask again." Komaeda's eyes glowed bright whatever color Komaeda's eyes are, "Where is Hajime?"

The purple Kool-Aid man smirked and simply pushed the 90 pound twink aside, ready to take the traitor to the divorce court.

Wrong move, Kool-Aid man.

Shattered glass splashed through the air as Komaeda slammed his keyblade onto the top of the Kool-Aid man's head, spurting out waves of purple Kool-aid into the sand. The whitenette slid, his hair becoming purple as liquid splashed into its roots.

The Kool-Aid man slowly turned around, his smug grin had been twisted into a face of pure unfiltered rage. His teeth were grit, his gums revealed for the whole world to see as his eye twitched under the weight of his eyebrows. Through his clenched teeth, he could only utter a single phrase.

"Let's tango, little man."

Komaeda didn't have time to react when 30 pounds of glass in the shape of a fist slammed directly into his stomach, rocketing him twelve feet backwards and causing him to land on his ass. The pain was real, but his love for Hajime was even more real. He dashed, coughing up blood as he did, with his keyblade positioned for another hit from the top.

The purple Kool-Aid man smirked once more, covering his head only to be shocked when Komaeda slammed his keyblade straight into his glass nuts. The blood curdling scream of the Kool-Aid man was enough to shatter his own glass had it not come out of him. Komaeda slammed his hands onto his ears, as he wanted to protect them so he could hear Hajime's sweet nothings later.

"I WAS THE LAST KOOL-AID MAN WITH A FUNCTIONING BALLSACK, YOU BASTARD!" The Kool-Aid man began to pummel Komaeda, the purple and whitenette having no opening to move. "NOW THE ENTIRE KOOL-AID SPECIES IS DOOMED!"

"Good." Komaeda coughed up blood, "Fuck you."

Komaeda began to lose conciousness, not from the smell of blood, but from the loss of Kool-Aid. He could only watch as the Kool-Aid man burst into pieces in front of him, for whatever reason.

The last thing Komaeda saw before passing out was Lapis Lazuli swinging Mung Dahl like a baseball bat.


	16. Merry Hajime

"HIYAAAAAAAA!" 

A keyblade slashed straight through the wooden poptart, cleaving it in two.

"HYA!"

Another wooden poptart bit the dust.

Hajime stood proud in the dick cheese springs, his arboreal (not sure if that's a real word) opponents were no match for his blade mastery. He turned to the spring itself, a hot steaming pot pie.

"It seems your training is paying off." Toaster Nevermind commended from under the waterfall that was pounding against her toaster back, "For this, you get a treat."

Two wet poptarts ejected from her toaster parts, and the reserve course keyblade master recoiled in disgust.

"No thanks." Hajime said as undid his tie, "I'd rather just soak in the hot spring."

Hajime undressed, hanging his clothes on a nearby tree, and then slipped into the heated basin. Instantly, all the sore spots on his body felt a pulsing relief. He sighed as all the irritation in his body faded away.

"You are relaxing while I am still training. Hmph." Toaster Nevermind blushed and looked away, "Maybe my praise was too much for your ego."

"Maybe." Hajime sighed, nothing was gonna ruin this feeling.

Not even the fact that he could feel the jealous eyes of Toaster Hinata staring him down.

* * *

"Goddamn it, stay with me!" 

An unconcious Komaeda flapped in the wind, his torso held tightly by his unlikely friend, Lapis. She zoomed through the sky, zoomed to the only destination that could heal her friend.

* * *

"Annnnd we got the pro peepee anti poopoo pro coomer anti doomer feminist Pickle Rick!" 

"NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING WORDS UP! WHAT THE FUCK!" 

Souda puked all over the floor, his third time that day. In his hazy mind, he regretted drinking that slushie. But at the same time he needed it for whatever the fuck this is. Especially since Gundam was out cold in his chair and Mahiru was in the bathroom.

Tito Dick had hundreds of Feminist Pickle Ricks to show the world, and no way in hell was he stopping.

"Annnnd we got the Warioware Bizarre Tortellini Fuck the Man with a Scortolini Feminist Pickle Rick!"

"STOPPPP!" Souda shouted.

And then the door flung open.

In came Lapis Lazuli, holding Komaeda bridal style. Sweat dripped down her body as she walked straight for Souda's table, huffing and puffing as she did. In an instant, Komaeda's body was hoisted onto the table, pushing aside all of the unfinished drinks. The bluenette looked Tito Dick directly into the eyes. 

"Komaeda needs your service, Dr. Tito Dick. And not the feminist Pickle Rick one."


	17. Hangover Hajime

"Lapis?" Mahiru stood a foot away from the table where Komaeda was being changed into a hospital monokuma onsie for surgery. "What are you doing here?"

"This guy saved me from the purple Kool-Aid Man." Lapis stared blankly at Komaeda's unconcious body that was being tied down by Tito Dick, "It's my fault he's in this state."

"Lapis..." 

The red head put her hand on the blue head's cheek. Mahiru looked longingly into the eyes of the gem, a reassuring gaze that could calm anyone who caught a glimpse of it. The soft smile on Mahiru's face was too strong of a temptation. Lapis's lips parted as her face approached Mahiru's and Tito Dick's syringe approached Komaeda's arm.

"You two ladies better get your lesbianism away from my patient!" Tito Dick injected Komaeda with the mystery fluid. "Who knows how he's going to react to my special politically centrist Pickle Rick injection!"

Mahiru and Lapis backed up, pulling Gundam's chair back and placing Souda's half concious body on his lap.

"Just let him.... die already...." Souda mumbled, not quite protesting enough to make a scene about it. He snuggled up against Gundam and passed out.

The whole Nutshack was silent. Then it wasn't silent.

Komaeda started writhing, neutral ideas about life started flooding his mind. His skin turned green, then white, then green again, then white.

"AHHHHHH HAJIME!" The whitenette struggled against his binds, but they were too powerful. He was about to have a flashback.

* * *

It was the past now. It was the first day of high school in Miss Usami's class. 

"Nagito Komaeda. You're up next."

The teacher had called upon him to say a fun fact about himself, right as he was mixing his Chef Boyardee with more Chef Boyardee. He said the first thing that came to mind without any hesitation.

"I like Chef Boyardee."

That was it. That was where Nagito Komaeda had fucked up. He'd gotten nothing but Chef Boyardee memorabilia as presents for Christmas. Everyone would shout 'it's Chef Boyardee Jones!' as he walked through the halls. He was even voted Chef Boyardee King. For all four years of High School, it never ended.

"What a hopeless way to live." Komaeda picked Chef Boyardee out of his hair in the bathroom. His more creative bullies had invented 'boyardee-ing' to mess with him, "Hope's Peak? More like Hopeless Peak."

The door open, and in came Komaeda's one true hope.

"Hey." Hajime said, "Can I borrow a dollar?"

A tear left Komaeda's eye. The first conversation he's had in a year that wasn't about Chef Boyardee.

"Yes, Hajime."

"How the fuck do you know my name?"

* * *

"Hey, Toaster Nevermind?"

Hajime leaned against his sensei's door in the Toaster Mansion, the shelter for all despair filled toasters. 

"Yes, Hajime?" The muffled sound of Toaster Nevermind's voice was nevertheless audible through the door.

"I'm leaving."

"Bring back some milk with you, we're out."

Hajime sighed.

"No, for good."

"Come in."

Hajime opened the door, and saw a sight no man should ever seen. A naked toaster, breasts and vagina only covered by her blanket.

"Hajime..." Toaster Nevermind bat her eyelashes, "I wanted to ask if you want to have consensual sexual intercourse with me before you go."

"No."

"Okay." Toaster Nevermind smiled, "I wish you luck on regaining Gundam's underwear."

"Thanks." Hajime bowed to his horny sensei who would have to get off alone tonight with her toaster dildo. The reserve course brunette turned around to exit.

Wrong move, Hajime.

Standing in the doorway was Toaster Hinata.

"Any reason why you're in the same room as my naked girlfriend?"


	18. Toaster Hinata VS Hajime

"She invited me in here to ask if I wanted to have consensual sex with her toaster pussy." Hajime tapped his keyblade against the floor and rolled his eyes, "I told her I wasn't interested and now you're here acting like your inability to satisfy your girlfriend with your toaster dick is somehow my fault."

Toaster Hinata's eye twitched. He had just been owned-jime!

"I'll make you eat those words!"

Toaster Hinata lunged at Hajime, missing by a hair as the reserve course keyblade master swiftly dodged the assualt. With not a second wasted, Hajime slammed his keyblade into the naughty toaster, thrusting him against the wooden bedframe and breaking it in the process.

"Boys! Boys! Do not fight!" Toaster Nevermind shouted, rummaging through her drawers for her not key blade, "You must'nt!"

"Well I'm about to make this guy mustard!" Toaster Hinata shot out tiny knives from his toaster holes. Hairs off of Hajime's head were cut in an instant as he ran out the door, and down the hallway. Into the backyard of the toaster mansion.

Hajime looked for a way out, but all he saw was the vast open plains of the Dick Cheese Mountains. And the pool, but that was no place for hiding. There was no way he could escape this angry, horny toaster. He turned around, oh God, here he comes.

Toaster Hinata walked out of the mansion, armed with two not keyblades. Hajime raised his keyblade in a hasty defense as one swung towards him, causing the crimson fluid to escape his cheek. The other zipped by, ripping open his shirt. Swing after swing, it became harder and harder to keep up, and one slip up cost him his chance of winning.

Hajime Hinata lay on the ground, sword to his throat at the mercy of a scorned toaster. The kitchen appliance smirked, and narrowed his eyes.

"Any last words?" The toaster cackled, mad with power.

"I'M PICKLE RIIIIIIIIICK!!!!"

A green flash of light glazed over Hajime's vision and in an instant, the toaster and blade were gone. He sat up, disoriented, and saw one thing he kinda expected to see but let's pretend he didn't for dramatic effect.

Komaeda was holding down Toaster Hinata, kicking him in the toaster balls.


	19. Pickle Hajime

Pickle Ascension Komaeda held Toaster Hinata down, pounding his fists directly into his toaster face. Bruises spotted the whitenette's knuckles and his skin began to break, but he cared not. Nobody fucks with Hajime.

"I've killed a toaster before... And I'll do it again!" Komaeda landed another blow to Toaster Hinata's face.

He was too busy giving the naughty little kitchen appliance the beatdown to be aware of anything else, so when the hand touched the top of his head, he jumped. Luckly, Komaeda's eyes landed on a sight for sore eyes.

"He's knocked out." Hajime said, brushing his boyfriend's hair with his hand, "Don't go overkill, Toaster Nevermind would be pissed."

Komaeda looked at his bloodied hands, and then at the unconcious toaster below them.

"You're right..." Komaeda wiped his hands on his pants, "Killing a toaster can only bring despair..."

"You can say that again!"

The duo looked to the source of the sound, the sky. Five figures approached, two carrying the other three. 

"Mahiru?" Hajime asked, "You can fly?"

"Of course I can." The rednette descended, placing the now sober Gundam and Souda to the ground. "I'm a Lois."

"And a she makes a mean martini!" Tito Dick jumped off of Lapis's back and stretched, "Oh how flying makes my back a so stiff!"

"Yeah, YOUR back hurts." Lapis float down slowly, and approached Komaeda. As she got closer to him, her resting bitch face became a resting happy face "You feelin' alright?"

"No."

The seven of them all caught up on the other's lives. Tito Dick attempted to sell more feminist Pickle Ricks in between, but nobody paid him any mind. 

"So, now that you two are back, can we go home?" Hajime pointed at Souda and Gundam. 

"Have you been afflicted by a curse that erases important details from your memory!?" Gundam shouted, crossing his arms and cocking one of his eyebrows.

"No."

"Dude." Souda put his hands on his hips and shook his head, "We still need to get Gundam's underwear back from Blankgameplays."

The whole backyard went quiet. And I'm gonna go take a nap. I'll finish this chapter when I wake up.


	20. Hajimè, Je n'ai pas Èjaculè depuis Six Semaines!

"You know what Hajime?" Komaeda blurted out, breaking the thick tension, "I don't care what hippies say about spiders being good for the envoirment. I hate them. I hate that they have eight legs, I hate that they have eight eyes, and I hate that they crawl on my bed at 4 in the morning. In my perfect Komaeda world, there'd be no spiders. I'd make it illegal to even mention one of those things."

"Komaeda, shut up." Hajime didn't break eye contact with Souda. "Do you and Gundam really think a pair of underwear is more important than our lives?"

"Of course it is!" Souda shouted, "My toaster son died in my arms because of that pair of underwear!"

"Us two kindred spirits had to make a contract between our very souls in the form of gyration at a religious commune made for humans of the emotional nature!" Gundam crossed his arms.

"You misused at least one of those words." Hajime said, "Look, if you two wanna be idiots, do it. But leave me out of it. Komaeda, we're going home."

"Can we have an extra hour of consensual pea eating snajime hour?"

"Yeah, sure."

Komaeda ran over to Hajime and jumped in his arms, the pinknette and the sunflower seednette's faces painted with disappointment. Lapis and Mahiru shook their heads, while Tito Dick pissed in the pool.

"Now if you excuse us, we'll be leaving!"

"No you ain't!"

The seven heros all turned their heads in unison towards the sound, and Souda was about to let out another one.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Souda grabbed Gundam tightly, his boyfriend's eyes widening. Hajime dropped Komaeda, who's cum refused to come out when he saw the scene. Lapis began to form a fist from the water in the pool, and Mahiru cocked her camera. Tito Dick continued to piss.

"Hey Loises." Peter Griffin said as he floated above an army of artificial Loises. In his hand was a chaos emerald, and in the other was a glass of red Kool-Aid.

"Remember the time I defeated the two traitors and their ragtag band of misfits?"


	21. Hajimaeda

A cold air beat the shit out of the desert air so it was no longer hot but cold. The seven heroes stood miniscule to the massive attendance of Loises that Peter Griffin had amassed. He smirked, sipping his red Kool-aid and juggling the emerald.

"Thou hast not forgoteth thine time you fucking killed the blue Kool-Aid man in cold blood, have thou?" Peter pointed at Lapis and Mahiru, "Thine crimes are noth forgivableth!"

*snap*

Family Guy dodged by merely a hair as Mahiru took a picture for her cringe compilation. Blood dripped down his cheek.

"You and the Kool-Aid men are the unforgivable ones!" Mahiru snapped another picture, Peter fully out of frame this time, "The Master Lois can't be tamed, nor can she be blamed!"

Peter spit out blood mixed with Kool-Aid and snapped.

"Loises, go wild!"

Hundreds of Artificial Loises began to charge directly at the heroes: Lapis began to bend the pool into a wall, a wall that the Loises quickly learned to climb. Mahiru banished all the ones she could to her cringe compilation, and Tito dick continued to piss.

"Kazuichi."

Gundam gripped Souda's hand and began to tap dance, the mechanic turned to stare deeply into his boyfriend's eyes.

"You're thinkin' w-what I'm thinkin', eh?" Souda tapped his toes in unison with Gundam. They put their left foot in, they right foot stomped, they put their left foot left stomped, and they did the hokey pokey cha cha slide. Both turned to the artificial naked women climbing over Wall Mahiru and stood hand in hand. They inhaled sharply, and then exhaled softly.

"LET'S GO POUND SOME WORM COOCHIE!"

The mechanic-animal breeder couple ran towards the opposition, fusing as they dashed. In an instant, Kazudam Gunichi Sounaka Tada was dashing through the snow, kicking artificial Lois ass with his vegan dance moves.

"Why can't we have that, Hajime?" Komaeda sighed as he pissed with Tito Dick, "A combination of hope and despair, luck and uluck, sexy and unsexy..."

"We can have that if you want." Hajime held out his hand to Komaeda but still refusing to break eye contact with Peter Griffin, "I don't like the way this wise guy is lookin' at me."

"Oh boy!" Komaeda jumped into Hajime's arms. The reserve course dancer spun around, doing his special Hajime manuvers, and threw Komaeda into the air.

"HAJIME, I HAVE NOT CUM IN SIX WEEKS!" The unlucky man shouted his mating cry.

"I'm going to make you cum, Komaeda!"

Hajime caught his boyfriend, and a puff of white smoke engulfed the pair.

* * *

Peter Griffin was not pleased, the coochie had been defiled. He stared down at the battle, at least his artificial Loises were overpowering the homosexuals.

"Wrong move, Griffin!"

A leg smacked against the back of Peter Griffin's head, knocking the Kool-Aid and chaos emerald out of his hands. The leg was that of a zebra, no, a lion. Maybe, both a zebra and a lion.

Above him floated a white and brown haired, suit wearing, unlucky, reserve course man who was in zebra lion rage mode. 

"Hey Peter, remember the time I beat you and your pathetic army of artificial Loises?"

Nagime Hajito Komanata Hinaeda laughed maniacally at the Family Guy, pouncing on him and slashing his face with his keyblade. He went at it, treating Peter Griffin as if he were a Christmas present full of who gives a shit. A swift jab hit the collar bone of Nagime's shit, and all of a sudden, he was held up by his shirt by Blankgameplay's right hand man.

"No, Nagime." Peter pulled out a packet of green Kool-aid and threw it into Lapis's water wall. "I DON'T!"

"OHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!"

Out from the ground burst the ancient Green Kool-Aid Man, the only Kool-Aid Man in France and the onlg Kool-Aid Man with a criminal record. His green juice turns everything it touches into Chef Boyardee cans, and guess who's dick it just splashed onto.

"Ah, holy shit!" Tito Dick screamed as his penis transformed into a metal ravioli can, "You are going to pay for this you big green [adjective] [noun]!"

Tito Dick unzipped his pants and let loose hundreds of Feminist Pickle Ricks onto the Green Kool-Aid Man.

"WOMEN'S PICKLE RIGHTS!!!!!!" They all bellowed as they sucked up all the Green Kool-Aid Man's juice and replacing it with feminist green juice.

"No..." The Green Kool-Aid man fell to his knees, "My ancient powers... Replaced by... Pro-Peepee Anti-Poopoo Doomer Critical Coomer Positive Pro Soup Anti Stew Anti Ravioli Christmas Critical Vegan No Synthetic Dyes No Artificial Flavors No Preservatives No Yeast or Starch Gluten Free 60 Calories 18 mg Feminism!"

The Green Kool-Aid man yelped in pain as his ideology changed every four seconds, eventually, he stopped thinking.

Family Guy stood, mouth agape at the sight.

"Hey Lois, remember the ti-"

Nagime landed another hit with his keyblade on Peter before he could finish, then another, then another, then-

"Hey mortal, that isn't cool, dude!"

Kazudam held Nagime back from hitting Peter once again, pulling him up by his shoulders and gripping him tightly.

"He's already passed out, cease your assault!"

"You killed all those Loises!"

"They were artificial, children of the devil walking this Earth!"

Lapis flew over, carrying Mahiru.

"Damn, you really fucked him up!" Lapis poked Peter's face with a stick, "Anyways Mahiru, put him in your cringe compilation.

Mahiru adjusted her camera as the boys fought, no bad picture was going in her cringe compliation. But just as she was about to press the button to take the picture.

Peter evaporated into a mist.


	22. Better Calljime Hajime

"Wow. That's the first time someone's escaped my Cringe Compliation." Mahiru sighed, Lapis patting her back as her expression became dejected.

"Worry not, mortal!" Kazudam shouted, "He is in God's Cringe Compliation now!"

In his arms struggled a quarrelling fusion, one that was nothing like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Rather, a banana and the split.

Nagime split, and out fell Hajime and Komaeda. Both face planted on the ground as Kazudam lost his grip.

"What the hell, Komaeda!?" Hajime shouted, "I just wanted to apprehend him, not do whatever you were doing!"

"He's evil, Hajime..." Komaeda lifted himself up slightly, grinning as he did, "He imprisoned... Master Lois..."

"Look, Nagito." Hajime brushed the dirt off his clothes, "There's an acceptable way to defeat your opponent, and an unacceptable way to defeat your opponent. Acceptable is vegan dancing, unacceptable is brutally beating a Family Guy with a *cough* k-keeey *COUGH*"

Hajime couldn't stop coughing, and curled up on the ground. 

"Are you okay, Hajime?" Souda asked, apparently Kazudam had split too. The mechanic placed his hand on his friend's head to check for fever.

"Step aside, diety of autonomous metals." Gundam gestured for his boyfriend to give Hajime space, "He merely needs a refreshment from the spring of life."

The chunnibiyou looked at Lapis.

"I think it's better if we go back to the Toaster Mansion and get him a real refreshment." Lapis lifted a still coughing Hajime into her arms, "There's all sorts of muck in my wings thanks to today's events."

* * *

"I am very sorry for not helping you fend off Peter and the Artificial Loises." Toaster Nevermind sat at the dinner table, eight seats full with a hearty meal for the whole gang, "I had to break it off with Toaster Hinata after he tried to kill Hajime in cold blood."

It was a Thanksgiving dinner, but not Thanksgiving. Lapis ate water, Mahiru was digging into the pumpkin pie, Souda and Gundam had fought over the wishbone, and Komaeda was mixing his food in the most despair inducing way possible. Hajime's cough had ceased, and he was digging into the mashed potatoes.

"It's okay, man." Souda said through a mouthful of turkey, the big part of the wishbone resting by his plate, "Don't worry about it."

"Diety of Autonomous Metals."

Souda turned towards his boyfriend.

"Yeah?"

"May we commence in a private seance in the other room?"

"Uhhh... Sure."

Souda and Gundam excused themselves and went into the Toaster Sex room, the closest room to the dining room besides the Toaster kitchen. But the Toaster Kitchen was full of toaster chefs making toaster food. Nobody was in the Toaster Sex room having toaster sex because toaster sex during dinner time is very impolite.

"I am awash with a feeling of darkness at the moment. My concern for the dark queen grows." Gundam crossed his arms and looked away.

"Huh?" Souda furrowed his brow and let out a chuckle, "Sonia isn't even involved in this whole Dick Cheese Mountains shit right now."

"I see the spirit of foolishness has possessed you, Kazuichi. So, let me put it in mortal's terms." Gundam placed a finger on the window, "I'm worried because Peter dragged Hajime and Komaeda back into our situation, and Sonia was involved in the trial too."

Souda was silent for a moment, and his eyes shifted towards the ground.

"W-well Komaeda was involved in Peter's Artificial Coochie Dungeon shit, s-so maybe they're..." Souda gulped, "Just more involved in the whole... thing..."

Gundam put his hands on Souda's shoulders.

"I worry because of how Peter treated all his Loises and how the Kool-Aid man reacted to being fed Feminist Pickle Ricks. That man, he doesn't respect women."

Gundam unzipped his pants and thrust his ass into Souda's face. His tattoo clearly in the vision of the mechanic.

"Input the runes to summon the Dark Queen at once!"

* * *

The Femdom Colony of Lesbians was bustling that day. And Sonia Nevermind, the ambassador of Novaselic, was caught in the crossfire.

"WHO STOLE THE ANCIENT PS3!?"

Fake Lady Gaga's golden pipes echoed off the walls of the marble divorce court. Every ambassador silent as they watched her walk down the red carpet.

"I can't detect it anywhere, so I know one of you took it." The faux pop star pointed as she passed her row of ambassadors, "And if I find out who it is, you will be SEVERELY punished!"

Sonia sat silent, sweat dripping down her forehead. She didn't touch the PS3, but she knew the other ambassadors would frame her. Fake Lady Gaga wasn't the biggest fan of Novaselic or the Pepto Bismol Factory they were running.

"You all get back to work now." Fake Lady Gaga returned to her throne, "And I better not hear any Grand Theft Auto music." 

The leader left the building, and Sonia got back to translating Novaselic texts to Lesbian. Next to her, Pearl, who was the ambassador of Homeworld, laughed.

"You better be on the lookout, Miss Sonia." Pearl wiped her desk with a wet wipe, "Look's like you're in deep shit."

"But I did not-"

*riiiiing* *ring* *ring*

Sonia blushed, she forgot to put her ass on vibrate. The princess dashed out of the building, and into the courtyard. She closed her eyes and was unexpectedly greeted with Souda's face when she expected Gundam's.

"AHHHHHH!" She jumped and fell backwards into a bush. "Souda, you must warn me before using your boyfriend's phone!"

"My ears detect the sound of peril! Is the Dark Queen undergoing torture?"

"No, she just fell into a bush." Souda sighed, "Hey, Sonia. Sorry about that. Gundam wanted to call to make sure that you were okay because we got dragged back to the Dick Cheese Mountains."

"The Dick Cheese Mountains?" Sonia struggled out of the bush, "Why are you there when you two fairly won a pair of underwear at VAGINADICK?"

"I dunno really. All I remember is trying to protect Gundam's underwear from a theif, getting my shit pushed in, and waking up in the Underwater City of Bioshock's Anti Hospital."

"Hm." Sonia pulled a leaf out of her hair and examined it, "My ass did not ring or vibrate when you were in trouble. Maybe I left it on silent."

"Or it could be that a perpetrator is tampering with your gluteous maximus's spiritual connection!" Gundam added.

"What the-" Souda made a face of disgust, "Sonia, if anyone isn't getting your consent to mess with your ass, tell us who and we'll kick their ass!"

"I would not know who." Sonia looked around to make sure nobody was listening, "My new job at the Femdom Colony of Lesbians has been rough, someone stole the ancient PS3 sealing away Sideshow Bob."

Both the men's blood ran cold.

The man they bested at Vegan dancing was on the loose. 

"I feel as if our situations might be connected, but there's not much I can do." Sonia brushed her hair with her fingers and looked at the ground, "If I leave for the Dick Cheese Mountains now, I will be as sus as an impostor! If only I could find out who stole the ancient PS3 so my name would be cleared!"

Silence filled the Toaster Sex room, and Gundam looked at Souda. Laughter from the other room echoed, and like a baby chick, a plan hatched in Souda's mind.

"You don't hafta come here and help US." Souda smirked and closed his eyes, "We can have someone go there and help YOU."

"Absolutely not!" Sonia commanded, "No men in the Femdom Colony of Lesbians."

"Don't worry, we have lesbians."


	23. An Unexpected Snajime

"Femdom Colony of Lesbians, huh? I wonder if they'll still let us in after that one time in Space Cancun."

"That was years ago Lapis, I doubt Fake Lady Gaga's panties are still twisted about it."

"I know, but I worry."

Lapis Lazuli carried Mahiru on her back as she flew through the Dick Cheese Sky, the only sky above the Dick Cheese Mountains. They were Mario, not Mario and Luigi, on their way to save that princess.

* * *

"Could you pass the salt?"

"Anything for you, Hajime."

As Hajime salted his turkey, the room remained quiet. Souda had fallen asleep against Gundam's chest, Lapis and Mahiru had left, Tito Dick was still 'shitting' in the bathroom, and Toaster Nevermind had left to the Toaster Sex Room with Toaster Pekoyama. Komaeda ate his special bean pumpkin pie, as not to force Hajime to talk with that nasty cough.

Turns out, he didn't have to force him.

"Hey Komaeda?"

A reply came from one with a mouthfull of beans.

"Yeth, Hathime?"

"I really like that you're not afraid to be yourself." Hajime stared at his unseasoned, salted turkey, "Even if everyone laughs at you."

"Aw... Thanks Hajime." Komaeda just stared at his food too. He didn't really know what else to say. What was he going to do? Say that he liked that about him too?

* * *

The year was twentyflashbacktohighschool, and it was the past now. Komaeda's Junior year, and Hajime's too. In fact, Komaeda was on his way to see Hajime right then.

Their English teacher wanted them to recreate 'Of Mice and Men' and turn it into a short film, a funny little one with poor editing recorded on Komaeda's iPhone that was always on the brink of being unable to store any more data.

"Hajime?" Komaeda opened up his friend's door, as Mrs. Hinata had met the whitenette many times before and allowed him in. "Knock knock..."

What Komaeda saw wasn't Hajime at all, but a long black haired, angry, red eyed looking boy about his age. He sat on a swivel chair, looking at high end recording equipment as if he were deconstructing their mechanisms with his mind. His glance turned to Komaeda.

And Komaeda felt as if he was being deconstructed too.

* * *

Komaeda looked at Hajime. Neither of them had eaten anything for at least a few minutes, and both of their eyes were half shut. Tiredness, Komaeda chalked it up to. But he felt something else at play here, especially with how sunken Hajime looked.

"Hajime, I like you."

"I'd hope so." Hajime laughed, "I'm your boyfriend."

"No, Hajime, you don't get i-"

"AHEM."

Both Hajime and Komaeda snapped wide awake to see two unfortunately familiar faces standing in the doorframe that lead to the kitchen. A goth, big nosed blue mustachioed man and an emo Irish man with green hair blocked their view of the where the food is cooked idk a synonym for kitchen.

"I've gotten word you've been recieving help for your trial, yes?" Mung Daalkiplier spoke, "Something you're not supposed to do, yes?"

Antisepticeye laughed.

"BOTTOM OF THE NIGHT FROM ME LADIES, SEEMS LIKE YOUR TRIAL IS INVALID!"


	24. My Name is Snajime

"Hajime..." Komaeda reached his hand out towards his boyfriend, "I feel like we're gonna need to snajime on this one. The emo one is bad news..."

Without hesitation, Hajime grabbed Komaeda's hand and gripped as hard as he could. Their bodies started to become one, their thoughts and desires fused, and th-

"BOTTOM OF THE NIGHT FROM ME, LADIES!"

Antisepticeye had fired his laser.

The two psuedo-virgins flew in different directions, Hajime falling unconcious on impact with the wall, and Komaeda flying into the Toaster Sex Room. Antisepticeye ran to where Komaeda landed and apprehended him. With a jolt, both Souda and Gundam woke up.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The mechanic gripped the animal breeeder as his voice shattered the giant glass window I didn't mention until now. Gundam knew his boyfriend was trying to fuse, but neither could dance. Footsie it is. Their piggies entangled as they-

"YOU TAKE THE MOON AND YOU TAKE THE SUN-"

Two more psuedo-virgins on the ground, Souda thrust into the Toaster Sex Room and Gundam thrust right into the full course meal. He slid, smearing the leftovers all over the pristine white table cloth.

"By the dark devas..." Gundam spat out blood and clutched his stomach, "What cursed power is in your arsenal?"

"Oh this bad boy?" Mung Daal-rkiplier lifted up his futuristic looking gun and pointed at it, "It's only the finest anti-fusion laser in the Dick Cheese Mountains! By using Skrillex songs that don't exist, I confuse your brain so badly that it unfuses you instantly!"

Gundam's face recoiled in disgust, and not because his emo boots were covered in beans.

"Your life is a sad ballad that not even the most depressed bard will perform..." Gundam attempted to subtly draw a summoning circle in bean juice, his bandages slipping off ever so slightly in the gunk.

"I'm the sad one?" Mung scoffed and raised his weapon, "You're the one on the side of the false prophet Hecatia."

Another laser fired, Gundam narrowly dodging. His finger was still in the beans, but there was no hiding it now. One stroke and Gundam's summoning circle was complete.

I'm gonna take a nap, I'll finish this chapter when I wake up.

That was a nice nap.

The chunibiyou flipped over and hid behind a chair, if things went right, this would be no rodeo. It would be a clown rodeo.

The summoning circle began to glow, washing the surrounding area in a bright red. Mist pumped out of the sigil, obscuring the vision of the creatures emerging from the table. The ground quaked, the cake baked, but most importantly, Gundam's ass shaked.

Three figures. Very tiny ones at that. A laugh erupted from the throat of Mung Daal-rkiplier.

"Really?" The blue chef smirked, "These things are less threatening than the padded walls of solitary confinement."

"I wouldn't say that if I were you..." A shrill voice came from the tallest one.

"We may be small, but we pack a big punch!" The chubby one got into fighting position.

The smoke cleared, revealing the chipettes. All of them dressed in gothic clothing.

"Prepare to get gaslighted."

* * *

"AHHHHHHH!"

Souda had knocked Komaeda out of Antisepticeye's grip, flinging the both of them into the bed that Toaster Pekoyama was eating Toaster Nevermind's toaster pussy on.

"Oh my goodness!" Toaster Nevermind ceased the toaster sex with her toaster hookup, "Learn to knock, will you not?"

"Sorry, Miss Toaster Sonia..." Komaeda lifted himself up and turned towards the hole in the wall. Yep, Antisepticeye was pointing his fake Skrillex song laser right at him. "But it looks like my toaster body count is going up once again..."

*pew pew bwuh bwuh bwuh bwuh bwuh*

Fake dubstep blared as the laser fired. Komaeda swiped Toaster Nevermind and held her in front of his face, the impact causing him to recoil backwards and fall ontop of Souda.

Antisepticeye began to convulse, the dubstep coursing through his mind.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH BOOOOOTTTTOOOOOOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES!" 

The emo irish man was being de-emoed. His hair turned green once more, his eyes turned white, and his clothes returned themself to Hot Topic and exchanged with Target clothing or whatever they have in Ireland.

"Oh... OH my god!" Souda shouted, "KOMAEDA WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"

"I killed another toaster..." Komaeda looked at Toaster Nevermind, who was still breathing, "At least I thought I did..."

The pair watched as the metamorphasis completed, the fake dubstep laser dropped to the ground.

Jacksepticeye now kneeled in place of Antisepticeye, confused as all hell. Right next to him, a toaster with the same face and haircut.


	25. Gaslight, Waterlight, Solidlight, Hajimelight

"Are you sure we tied you to this chair?"

"Yeah, we definitely didn't do that..."

"You must be crazy!"

The chipettes' gaslighting was relentless, or was it?

"Tsk tsk, if you want me to believe that, you're gonna have to untie me first." Mung Dahl-rkiplier was restrained, and no amount of gaslighting would make him forget that.

"You're not tied up." Brittany laughed, "Must be your imagination."

"Ettes of chips, cease the lighting of the gas!"

Gundam walked over, Hajime at his side. His eyes bore into Mung's face, and out came a shout.

"Until you detail the full reason of your appearence you shall remain shackled!"

"Actually, these are ropes." Mung rolled his eyes, and glared at Gundam, "And I ain't gonna tell ya didly squat so you can shove it up your-"

*SMACK*

Gundam had just smacked Mung.

"You just smacked me!" Mung shouted.

"No he didn't!" Jeanette piped in.

"Cease the gaslighting!" Gundam turned around to face the chipettes "Or I tell Reigen about your rebellion and have your magical moving illusion box revoked!"

"We're not gaslighting anyone." Eleanor gaslighted, "Must be your imagination."

"Tch." Gundam pressed a hand against his face, "You are lucky that my powers have been dampened by the strenuous fight I just engaged in..."

Mung watched as Gundam had a gaslight off with the Chipettes, a chuckle escaped his mouth, but then it didn't.

"So this is the best Hecatia can do, eh?"

"Who's Hecatia?"

Mung turned to see the cold, dead gaze of Hajime.

"Now you're trying to gaslight me too?" Mung scoffed, "I saw the white haired greasy lookin' one hangin' out with about 1/2 of her."

"Half of her?" Hajime pulled up a chair to sit, as Gundam was losing the gaslight off and he had to be the one to show Mung who's boss now. "What do you mean by that?"

"I ain't tellin' ya." Mung raised his head. He did that thing where you raise your nose and shit too. I forget what it's called.

The air was cold, but Hajime's nipples were colder. There was no way he was going to get answers as a pathetic reserve course person. His hair turned black and quadrupled in length as his eyes turned red.

Izuru Kamakura, the ultimate question asker and gaslighter, was ready to gaslight his way to the truth.

"Hey Mung." Izuru peered into his prey, "Tell me everything you know about Hecatia."

Something about the aura made Mung sweat, and it wasn't the heat because the thermostat said it was only 40 degrees in farenheit. Nevertheless, he gulped and the words came out on their own.

"Hecatia is a-"

*BWOMP BWOMP BWEEE BWEE BWEEE BWA BWEEEE BWOMP BWEEEEA BWUMP BWUMP*

Mung Dahl-kiplier fell to the ground, his hot topic attire fading into a normal chef's outfit as a toaster shot out of his body and into the wall.

"HAJIME! I FOUND OUT HOW TO EXCORCISE TOASTERS FROM PEOPLE'S BODIES USING THE POWER OF FAKE SKRILLEX SONGS!"

Komaeda stood in the doorway of the Toaster Sex Room, holding the fake dubstep laser.

Izuru stared wide eyed with his mouth agape, not knowing how to react.


	26. Welcome ❤ Hajime

"Komaeda." Izuru held the screaming, angsty Toaster that came out of Mung Daal down, "You just fucked up our only chance of finding out who this Hecatia weirdo is."

"Sorry, Izuru..." Komaeda held Mung in place as he shouted the lyrics to a fake Skrillex song and pulled at his restraints. "Can Hajime come out now?"

"No, there's still some gaslighting to do." Izuru sighed, "And you know how good Hajime is at that."

"So uh... Are we going to take toe milk guy to a hospital?" Souda piped in, pointing at the convulsing blue chef, "A real one, not the anti-one in Bioshock."

"He doesn't need to go to the hospital, you must be crazy!" 

"I've had it with you Brittany!" Gundam drew a sigil on the dining table, "CHIPMUNKUS GO THE FUCK AWAY KUS!"

The Chipettes were forced into the void, the smoke hotboxing the room momentarily. Gundam shook his head and looked toward the convulsing Mung, Komaeda, and Hajime. Jacksepticeye was also in his field of view but he was just talking with Toaster Nevermind about Minecraft.

"So I take it you three are permanent members of the underwear retrival quest now."

"Yeah." Hajime said, "Shit, I'm Hajime again."

"I do whatever Hajime does..." Komaeda let go of Mung, who had seemed to have let all the dubstep out of his system.

"Might I pry for the reason of your stay?"

The room went silent. Not even the sound of fake dubstep was present.

"Just cause." Hajime said, "Nothin' more."

Gundam's brow raised. He doesn't have eyebrows, though. The animal breeder's eyes narrowed as his lips parted.

"It is just that-"

"Hecatia is a-"

Everyone in the room jumped. Mung's body, as if in a trance, had begun to finish his answer to Izuru's question.

"Hecatia is a traitor. The jury member who shattered Blue Kool-Aid Man and ran off to the Femdom Colony of Lesbians to get asylum for her crimes. Her ability to not only gaslight, but solidlight and liquidlight, proved to be the Blue Kool-Aid Man's downfall. After that day, she was never seen again. Not much is known about her outside of that, besides her full name."

"Her full name..?" Komaeda asked, "Well, what is it?"

The blue chef was silent.

"BESTOW HER TITLE UPON US!" Gundam commanded.

Mung's lips? Zipped

"Tell us, man." Souda groaned, "Be cool."

Nada.

"Hey Mung..." Hajime leaned in real close, "Give us Hecatia's full name. We need all the information we can get."

Mung's jaw dropped, but only slightly.

"Her full name is Hecatia "I Was Framed For Killing The Blue Kool-Aid Man" Lapislazuli."


End file.
